since this is my first blog, I can only expect that all I will achieve are ramblings of a bunch of unorganized feelings and thoughts that constantly plague my brain. this is not a poor me cry for help but an outlet for whatever silly crap goes on upstairs that I haven't been able to control, come to terms with or kick its god damn ass.
I am one of those millions of suckers that suffer from anxiety and have been for over 20 years, I am 30 now - like come on seriously, don't we grow out of this *^it?? I'm not medicated, nor do I want to be. I use exercise to combat my crazy head but sometimes I find it hard to get my arse outta bed in the morning and get myself going which just adds insult to injury and I tend to beat on myself even more for my "laziness". On top of this, I am engaged to a wonderful individual who I want to leave but can't seem to find the strength. I realized that the feelings of wanting to leave were only tucked away because it seems so much easier than dealing with it....of course it came seeping through my sub-conscious and has manifested with fits of anger sadness, uncertainty among other things....why do I want to leave? He isn't my true love, is there even such thing as "true love?" I am a romantic at heart...with big day dreams and silly fantasies and unfortunately his rigid military ways, introverted behavior are quite the opposite from my social butterfly flake-ish nature...here I sit in front of the computer....I really need an eyebrow wax...and I shower - I managed to work out this afternoon...well I guess thats it...I guess I will see how this things pans out...
